Sunday, October 30, 2005

irritation vs patience

Sigh.... tmnet broadband is killing me. I get dced like 5 times a nite regularly...gonna be end of my patience soon if they x improve their services, a certain hurricane will be shouting down the phone soon or writing to the papers to complain...quite pissed wid dem...tolerated this for the past few mths in hopes it might be a temporary prob. Unfortunately i had too much faith in certain ppl who r jus as incompetent as the services they provide....

Everytime i will be halfway chatting or jus writing a mail or surfing, it dc, irritating ness... not once, but up to more den 5 time s a nite / morning, it’s not diurnal...it’s all the time...ugggg!!! i dunno if they ever tasted the wrath of the likes of me! They gonna get burning ears after this...i’m sure. Oh well, at least i’m kind enough to let dem have their hols in peace, no point disrupting ppl’s hols... let dem enjoy urselves... i’m not such a killjoy...still got 1 wk for dem to prove demself innocent of the charge. Not only 5 minutes sometimes up to hr of not being to connect gain... sigh.... better not let me strangle their skinny necks, i’ve got violent tendencies... letting God take hold of the queen call Self in me n dethrone her evryday so i can keep my peace...when anger takes over, it’s gonna be “hell hath no fury....” muahahahahaha....*evil cackle*

I’m bored now...half way talking to my panda, monkey n hai zhi...connection died...at last now can connect...

An hr later...

Oh no!!! dc gain...sigh, toking to so many ppl....ministering to one of my guy frens, think i was too aggressive scared him...he alwiz tot i was quite soft...okie, wid him la cos he’s very nice to me, x irritate me like other guyz...but this time i really gotta speak up, got serious issues dat God x overlook...jus gotta go more gently n wid God’s wisdom, realised, sometimes i can be like a hurricane, jus blow everything to bits den only i clean up after dat, not alwiz d best altho sometimes it does work...hehe, God will make a way to use this aggressive ole hurricane to blow some ppl into the rite path...jus a gentle breeze, x so ganas, scare dem n den they’ll struggle more...dat’s bad, will only hurt demselves... x struggle against God... it’s like an ant trying to lift a rock... gonna tire urself out... jus give in to God...He will help u move ur mountains... n spilt open the red seas in ur live, allow Him to... do not persist in being stubborn, i understand all about stubbornness, my area of expertise... cause me a lot of pain before i caved in.dat’s y i envy ppl like bunny n squeaks...they give in easily to God... they yield faster...jean nee will un...we r birds of the same feathers....hehe, got a stubborn head on our shoulders...

Dat’s all fer now, folks! To all u bz ppl out there...pls take a break... breathe in the freshness of God! Times of refreshing r here...Amen.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

a surrendered heart

Couldn’t sleep.woke up cos of high fever, this bug has be plaguing me for nearly 3 wks. Dunno wat is wrong but i’m trusting God will heal me. Maybe it is serious maybe it is not. All in God’s will. I submit to His will.even if He calls me home right now, i accept.would be more den happy to be wid my Papa in Heaven....to live is Christ, to die is gain. Sometimes jus wish i was in heaven...no tears no sorrows.jus the simple joy of being wid my Father... life is tiring... i wish for eternal rest. Yet i no my mission is not complete on earth, many souls to catch for God. May ppl who need me to be Jesus to dem... God said we r His fragrance to others..dun wanna be a smeellly person la....

Tired physically but mentally brain still running...x really zzz. Hehe...dat’s me, being my super hurricaneling! Gonna die 1 day of exhaustion. I jus x let up on myself... i go on n on...till i fall so sick, i cant move d den i stop...or when i really dead tired... i cant...not don’t want to...i’m a like a very cranky machine...still young but can act up suddenly cos overworked.n underpaid...x really eat much cos sick x smell dat well, x really sleep... too much stuff to do...i am forever online blogging,chatting, ministering to others...learing from the Great Counsellor how to give godly counsel. God has grant me a discerning spirit. His Holy Spirit. to reach the lost. my mission field is big. many ppl need the Lord.

as the song goes... " as bread that is broken, use my life, as wine that is poured out a living sacrifice, empower me Father to share the love of Christ, as Bread that is broken Lord.... use my life...." yes i m willing, Lord.

isaiah said. " send me. i will go." likewise, send me Lord to go ye forth and make disciples of all nations. and lo and behold i will be wid you.

i believe my mission field is where u put me, my family, my frens, the pts in d hos" all lost ppl who need you. i'm going to bring you right to their bedside.when they r in pain, they shall call upon u and u will answer dem... i will pray... like never before. a mighty warrior for u Lord. We shall c... satan has already lost... victorious in my God.

For we are more than conquerors in Him who loves us.

God, my Father. i love You. i bless you my God with all you have given me.

Help me surrender.


double pissed-ness!!!

God help me... i cant imagine how life can be so irritating, wid such idiotic ppl ard...today my patience has been tested to d max, was trying so hard to ctrl my hurricane of a temper! i din wanna do stg i will regret later on... how hard i struggle, only God knows...only ppl equally hot tempered will understand this struggle wid my flesh....

this goading to explode in every direction causing massive disaster everywhere i go. like a hurricane!small but very poweful! will cause a lot of casualties n destruction in its path... i dun want to be liddat. a hurricane for God yes...not a disastrous one.

the ppl in my life today, they really pissed me! 1st my mum, she has many issues in life n she has the habbit of taking it out on others when she's stressed out.so as usual being the most tolerant person in my house(trust me, i m besides my daddy), got it kao kao...sadness, jus let it go.

okie...went online to let off a bit of steam... God helped me... hehe... jack was online, so was my panda, n oso other ppl...so i complaint n lament panjang lebar, den i okie d....guess wat happened next? not the end of it yet....

a very close sister called.... was okie d..so tot jus a social call, x think too much bout it...

not gonna be let off so easily, satan not gonna let up yet, passed 1st test, next 1....harder 1, not gonna give up screwing up my life so easily....he's such a bugger! wanna swat him like a fly! God is jus gonna let Him have it kao kao in hell...such annoying ness, u can only imagine this mosquito buzzing ard refusing to leave you in peace, God is not allowing him to do more den dat, so he's maximising his destructive behaviour by goading me into behaving badly n i do fall sometimes esp when i am angry at others...x think so straight, n my defenses at its lowest..as in

1 peter... the devil is always prowling, waiting for an opportunity to devour us. so we must be on guard n aware of the dangers. God said in ur anger, x not let it lead u into sin.

so many times, i have to struggle wid surrendering my temper to God... to lay down this crown before my God to let Him work to remove the darkness in my life...ug! painful experience! wished i had less issues or easier ones, it comes wid being head strong n stubborn! hard as nails...not jaded but tough, in n out! may not give the impression of being so...most ppl think i'm a small lil gal, cutesy like d type can pinch cheeks 1...once i start talking, they no otherwise, this is not a person u wanna cross...a very hot chilli padi...can be quite jia lat if bitten into...x taste very good...u know la, got capsaisin, pain producing substance...sure painful...no one ask to bite la... this is call being too smart... i'm too much a handful for everyone to handle but jus nice for God.

God can mould this claypot into a porcelain in His time... x c it soon... one day...after being baked many times in d refiner's fire, sure to be perfectly wonderfully n fearfully me...believe dat...

He who began a good work in me will complete it till d day of Christ Jesus.He is faithful.Amen.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

The pissed-ness of some situations

I would like life to be a bed of roses...sadly, ntg ever goes the ways u want it to esp when i noe it’s not God’s will for my life to be widout trials n hot soups which i get myself into quite often. I’m impatient, a bit hot tempered, too straightfwd for my own good. This concoction often brings about an explosion esp when ppl who r equally or more hot tempered n demanding are ard me. Learning to tolerate more crap from the world. Jus as Jesus suffered we r called to suffer...He said...blessed r u if u persecuted for my name...hehe... not cos u r notty or bad...but for Him... sad to say, i’m not so noble, many a times i suffer cos i screw up n den i lament n complain n curse life for being unfair...y me? I’m a reasonably good gal...kena all this sorta crap, can sometimes sap all the joy outta life n get me down...haha, not so often now cos i no...God loves me! There is no point being melancholic about things i cant ctrl... i have to lay my crowns at God’s feet and let Him deal with the many issues i have. U shud do it too. such freedom from the burdens n baggage of life. Amen to dat!

In Matthew He said... Come to me you who are weary and burdened and i will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you because my yoke is light n my burden is easy. Learn from me because i’m gentle and humble at heart.

Matthew 11:28,29

I have learnt the hard way...when i kenot do anything more...i get on my knees... God totally brot me down on my knees...gave me situations dat i could not ctrl... ppl i find so hard to love, and most of all... He showed me how much He loves me despite all the ugliness and sin in my life... such forgiveness and love in the arms of my Great Heavenly Father. Blessed be His name forever.

So much cynicalism and jadedness in this world...all human n satan made... God did not in any way made us disillusioned about life. He allows trials so we can turn to him not away. Yet so often we choose to turn away n go on our paths which lead to destruction. When things screw up, we blame God... Y did u allow this to happen? Yes, He did allow...yet who was it who chose to walk in the path? Us...i totally admit... guilty until proven otherwise. He said in 1 John 1:9 God is just. He will forgive you if u confess your sins...not only confess but repent. Confession is nullified by a non repenting heart. I realised i always say sorry for the same things, the same areas i always fall, it is not stg new.

God said, “No temptation has seized u except what is common to man. And God is faithful and just. He will also grant you a way to stand under it.” ( 1 Corinthians if i’ m not mistaken)

So ppl, a sound advice, smarten up when God is teaching gently, do not force him to be heavy handed. Our Heavenly Father loves us therefore He disciplines a son / daughter that He loves. G’day my frens! :)

child of God

God has just been so wonderful... Now i really understand wat Lordship is... many a times, He is Savior yet not Lord of my life. He is not satisfied when we give him remnants of our lives or even 80%. He wants ALL... for us to let go and to let God. Have u tried walking in a pitch black room? Not knowing wat is in front of u..not knowing whether there is a step or ditch or drain.... u just tell God, i trust You. You lead me, wherever u want me to go...try it... it's super scary, i do it sometimes to to see how willing am i to let go and let God lead me...in the dark ...even if u fall, God will pick u up...

Do u trust Him? Is He the Lord ur Shepherd?

Are you willing to follow Him to d darkest valleys and the deepest seas?

We confess wid our mouths dat He is Lord but do we believe in our hearts dat He is the Son of God?

Many a times i have to question myself n ask myself very practical questions. Why do i still willfully disobey when i no God is not pleased? Isn't He Lord? If i have totally made Him Lord, shudn't i submit.... so often i struggle to justify my life before my God...all i find is mercy, kindness and a loving Father...hurt by my disobedience, yet so lovingly wid open arms awaits my return...a gentle voice saying...

"Repent, my child. I love you. I will forgive you and cleanse you if u would just come to me. I will take away all the ugliness, all the guilt. I will love you wid an everlasting love and i will draw you with loving kindness."

I alwiz have conversations wid God tru out the day.... d usual grousing about life... or help God! Sos! Den there is the "i love you, God" Yea...give God good nite hugs n kisses to my Big Daddy in heaven... if my daughter gives me a good nite hugs n kisses everyday i will be happy...jus feel God's pleasure... He is happy wid me... we have a close bond. We understand each other well. I x describe this feeling... i jus no God is smiling down from heaven on me...

"I'm pleased, my child. You are doing well. Go on... trust me, i will lead you. Cont to run the race, you will receive d prize in due time."

Jus feel such joy knowing I'm living my life for my God. And He is pleased wid me. Find it so easy to worship, pray n read the bible nowadays, it's no longer a chore...it jus comes so naturally...i tok to God same as i breathe eat n sleep...like I'm made for it. X struggle wid my flesh... jus victory after victory in every area.once i submit to God, He will change my heart.... n d actions will naturally come.

Being a child of God comes so naturally.... x doing anything...jus being....wat i m made to be.... fitting perfectly in God's plan. Like a nicely fitting puzzle... x missing holes or ill fitting parts. Sometimes when i screw up i feel like i'm jus screwing up God's plans....like a cacat piece of puzzle.... x fit nicely... no longer am i faraway or struggling wid myself, struggling against God.... but i'm yielding...like a reed when God bends me to His will, i bend.... refiner's fire, yes, i've been tru some fires, it's not nice to be burnt, yet when it is necessary, God allows trials n persecutions to mould us into His likeness.

Really thx God for the lessons i have learnt. They will last for life... i m repenting.... find it so much easier to surrender to His ways, cos now i no wat it is to be broken, on my knees, true surrender of heart, spirit, mind n soul....still struggling at times... yet i no when it's time to submit to Him, i will submit...in His time, He is teaching me obedience, if i want to put it this way...blind obedience, jus obey watever my master tells me to do and have faith, it will not harm me in any way.

As Abraham had faith to sacrifice his son Isaac we need to be able to give up our idols to God, watever we hold precious, not necessary stg bad...is it our families, is it our frens, is it our material possessions, who sits at the throne of our hearts? Is it Jesus? Or is it urself? Is He Lord or r u lord of ur heart? I find myself stubbornly refusing to dethrone myself n causing myself much hurt and suffering before i learn to surrender....worship is about surrendering... n it's not passive. It's not jus let go and let it be but let go, and let God. It's about actively making Him Lord over your life everyday... actively declaring Him as Lord over ur mind, body, soul and spirit.... giving Him the reverence He deserves daily...all glory to You, my Father, my lover.

Are you willing to surrender? If you are, will you surrender to the One who died for you?

Till here for now...my frens. Hope i have encouraged, entertained or challenged you in some way. May you have a blessed life! :) God loves you. Me too.

tough nut!!!

I am a tough nut tho! Those who know me, i know i'm super stuborn once i set my mind to it... n i x give in easily at all. Takes a lot to break me, n only God can do it...i drag myself on no matter wat because i set high stds for myself. Wat high stds i set for others, i set higher for myself...wat i ask of others, i ask even more from myself... when i lead, i lead by example, wat i cant do i x require others to be able to do.... got many principles in life n many very set mindsets...God is still changing me.... transforming me by renewing my views to His views. Quite hard to submit yet God shown Himself in so many ways dat when i submit it will be for good and He will not hurt me or break me badly...dat it's ok to be vulnerable to Him... He loves me. I no in my mind yet it's so different when now i no it in my heart, it's easier to submit when u trust Who u submit to...He will lead u in the right path.

"Trust in the lord with ALL your heart and soul and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5,6

Note i caps d ALL... not some or a part but God wants all of us, as He has given all of Himself He expects us to surrender our ALL to Him... it's not easy for humans to make ourselves so vulnerable to our Creator. There will alwiz be a part of us dat rebel, dat refuses to obey His will...God said fight!

For our fight is not against flesh but against the principalities and dark forces of the heavenly realms. So put on God's armor and fight the good fight, brothers and sisters! Above all, He said pray..

Prayer is a very powerful weapon... the Word of God is the sword of the Spirit, prayer and fasting r like learning how to use the sword. Any1 watched seven swords? like the double edged sword in d lady's hands. We gotta learn to use our swords to fight evil and defend the good. So remember when the storms of life comes, seek God in prayer, fast n read His Word. U would be amazed at how powerful it can be... God wants us to ask for His help. He said...

Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock and it shall be open unto you. (it's somewhere in matthew)

life as a medical student in PGH

Today... i went to pg gh... was half dozing while waiting for sam to pick me up, so tired, sick n beijing was really tiring n went to kl for 5 days before dat, and me being so strong headed n stoooborn refused to give my body a rest...jus went on n on... the way i treat my body, like i am super woman liddat, dat's y i'm forever sick, i'm not bothered n i am a very non compliant patient. think if i get a pt like me, i will have a MI (myocardial infarction/heart attack).hehe...jus as well God x send me such stubborn ppl to deal wid.

Yea...getting along wid d story, so i was up n finally sam came, we reached bout 9 am, x parking so had to park in d next road. Pg gh's parking alwiz full by 8am can park few hundred cars n got new parking oso, all full...many ppl at d hospital early morning, very bz place, i love it there tho, such a nice clean hos and it's cool, not hot like s'ban.environment is not stressful, ppl jus chill, work get done but in a less stressed up enviroment, frenly doctors, very willing to teach n PMC ppl there quite nice...altho some are a bit stuck up... suppose they cant help it, they r all rich kids, u cant believe how many kl rich kids r in PMC, pratically half of PMC are from kl, from super rich families....a lot of dem r nice ppl, they jus got a high n mighty air which i x tolerate...as long as they dun do the "i'm a class above u" thing, i'm okie wid dem...once they start showing their airs, let's jus say the devil in me start running lose, basically i very straightfwdly told certain ppl, i din like their attitude n i think they r dumb n stooopid cos they dunno their stuff well not to add they wanna be snobbish n idiotic.... which is entirely true altho there are some who r really hardworking n know their stuff kao kao...like chuen wen,(he's d gold medallist) dat guy is scary, he's like a textbook, knows everything, so smart... i oso quite impressed by his kengness....wat weird syndrome all he oso know... so keng... but 1 thing i realised, it doesn't matter if u have or do not have intelligence, u gotta know how to treat ppl well....even if u r not so smart as long u have good pr skills, u will do well in life... got to know some ppl who have very little education yet r very successful....

1 of dem is my uncle, he only studied till f3...now he's a millionaire, making sign boards for mcD's n toyota showhouses....quite wow! Nice guy, typical china man mind! Really admire the Chinese, everywhere we go we adapt so quickly...very flexible ppl...can survive in the toughest environment. Am proud to be 1 as well, altho i must say i x compare to those really ancient chinese who travelled half way across the world yet survived the toughest conditions.

Monday, October 24, 2005

first time blogging

24 October 2005

Hie hie ppl, welcome to my blog! was super inspired by jon to start bloggin...his blog is super keng...so like him. Very easy to take in, not too complicated , jus simple like jon...a simple guy...who has christmas tree shoulders but is ok la, he's got other characteristics to compensate, he's man of God, my brother, i'm proud to call him my brother! God is please wid him... n i hope God is equally please with my life...jus wanna share a part of my life wid u guys... hope u enjoy urselves!

Stg u would probably realise if u read my blog... i dun caps my words much, n i use a lot of my own language...hehe, english mixed wid bahasa n hokkien, cantonese, mandarin... n lotsa weird baby language or paralanguage in more canggih terms...so sowee if u guys dun understand wat i' m saying, ppl who know me, u guys will probably understand wat i'm talking bout... no worries, sorry for d typos...got lousy typing skills...

Having a great time in pg! best season of my life! Enjoying myself to d max in every area, God is really blessing me...after 6 mths of storms n downs of downests, i'm all ups now, ntg much gets me down! Of cos i'm occasionally gwampy....trust me, seldom la...once in 3 mths? Haha... i'm easily pacified n happy, jus give me chocolates! I'm a choco-ho-lic! Hehe... u guys must try cadbury triple decker...it's so good! A fren got it from oz! wow...i love chocs! Jus makes me so high...good chocs! Get d endorphins going.... the sugar rush n sweetness... makes me happy jus thinking bout it, so guess i'm easy to please... no need anything much, jus a nice box of chocs to make me happy. :) so any1 wanna get me souvenir, jus get me chocs! (*hint hint*...hehe)

My life is super interesting now,at least from my point of view....many opportunities to met ppl n share God's love. Came back from beijing yesterday! Talk bout dat another time, got so much to write bout...