resentment....

yes.... i have a lot of hurts and resentment in me.... who doesn't? the issue is whether i keep it inside or give it to God to work on... and sometimes my heart...it's so deceitful, and the heat is so very slowly turned up.... i dun realize anything till i'm cooked.... and yes, a lot of those hurts and resentment i have not given them to God... let's jus say, i'll given 80%...there's still a good 2o% in me....which won't just go away...however much i will it or bluff myself into believing it's resolved...no issue there.... but there is.... many issues.... resentment.... is an awful disease.... and i thought i am blessed....still think i am.... and to a very great extend... i have a very blessed life which i do take for granted sometimes... and i am very spoilt when it comes to people loving me... i am very confident they do... and if they dun, i will feel very hurt... cos i choose to love.... a lot of people...i seldom choose not to love...when the decision is not to love...either the person is really bad or i must have been really hurt...even then.... i usually find myself unable to not love....you know... like automatic doors....once open it will automatically close....but fighting so hard not to love because i dun wanna be hurt anymore... i dun wanna be illtreated...i dun want my heart to be broken... yet denying myself and picking up this cross seems so much harder each time i love and get disappointed again and again.... i really want to believe things will change...want to believe for people...miracles.... and a new heart....and i get so disillusioned after the umpteenth time of self counselling, God counselling and crying buckets...that things are never gonna change...it's jus like satan rubbing salt unto a fresh wound.... u r stupid, he or she will never change...u choose to believe in Jesus, look where it got u...jus hurt, jaded and disillusioned...and everytime God picked me up.... and tenderly comfort me... looking at Him....His love, His hands... the same hands that were pierced.... shows me how much He gave....Himself... and how much i have to give myself to this world....because He did too... not to conform but to be light....however imperfectly i shine... i am still light of the world...because He has called me to be light... and no matter how many times my heart breaks... i would have to keep on shining...no wonder the verse....

i have fought the good fight. i have run the race. i have kept the faith.
2 tim 4:7

Lord, please help me keep the faith.... fighting this fight and runnig this race....makes me so weary, so disillusioned.... has jut brought out the worst in me... maybe that's what you want....to bring out the worst in me that i may see who i really am.... and to change.... to be the person You want me to be....

i wonder how a perfect me would be like... i would like to have bucket loads of patience, gentleness and self control please God...and above all....Love.