beware of what you ask for.... you might jus have your prayer answered in ways you did not expect. i m reading A Love Worth Giving by Max Lucado, and i feel there are areas in my life when it comes to loving people that i NEED to change... so there, reading and then applying... so i asked God for situations where i may love people and put others before myself... and find that it wasn't so easy after all.... to put myself 2nd and consider them 1st...
1st scenario... dirty, dodgy looking man ( look at the judmental words ) came up the bus, sat in front of me, started to talk to me, telling me he's from Darwin, has been staying at the salvation army for a couple of months, got his own palce now, started asking me bow to speak bahasa malaysia... after a while took out a bottle of beer and started drinking beer at 1pm in the afternoon.
my reaction: cringing inside, oh no!! still got long way to go before my stop, pls let him get down soon... he's so weird. might be intoxicated. mentally tried to do a mental state exam on him ( good patient to practise on k?) okie, try to be nice. jus talk to him. but don't be too friendly. so it was all so weird, trying to look sideways to indicate, i don't really wanna talk. half thinking, if this were one fo God's angels, i have just failed the big test. i wonder how Jesus reached out to those who were beggars, ugly, dirty.... and not feel that stranger awareness and protect yourself from these weird people feelings. God, help! i know Love is Kind. i am so not kind or nice... i need a mental revamp!! i didn't realise such things so much before, but after reading the chapter on love is kind.... i'm so not it!
2nd scenario... patient in a wheelchair in the hospital's lobby. spilt milo/coffee on the floor. he could have waited for someone to come and clean it, everyone would understand. he was wheelchair bound after all. but he wanted to clean up the mess himself, so there he was with a bunch of newspapers trying to wipe the mess. from the wheelchair. i was there. just walked out of the bank. wondering should i help him? and decided then that i had other things to do. how mean is dat!!! i half kept an eye on him to see if anyone else would help him... and this other bloke came and help him, i feel better for him, worse for myself. you could have been the one who ran there n helped him cleaned up the mess. selfishness.... preoccupied with my ownself... Love is not self seeking. i think i was pretty darn selfish.
got other scenarios as well, but since this is not beating up myself session, i shan't go too much into them.... just to show me reality of my own soul and character, i have to change. i want to change. i am going to change.
step 1 comes from realising, why I wanna change. because He 1st loved me.
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